Monday, Monday...

10/19/2009 05:15:00 PM | 0 Comments

Well, it's been quite a day.  I woke up with a migraine.  No fun.  Then I talked to my parents and learned that my sister-in-law's father died this morning.  He had been ill so it wasn't a surprise but just really sad.  She lost her mom the day after Mother's Day this year.  Not a good start to the week.


Yesterday I found that an art show I thought had been cancelled wasn't.  I did some checking and figured out that the coordinator sent the application to my old email address.  He had the new one.  Jerk.  I called him and got no real apology.  He said he'd used the email addresses available to him.  Uh, my new one was sure available.  I did publicity last year and he and I communicated via email frequently.  Arrgghh.



I decided that I was going to do the Couch to 5K thing.  I signed up but then found a program just for walking. Signed up for that one too.  I should be able to walk a 5K by the end of December.  Well, I DID IT!  I dusted off the treadmill and got my fat butt on it, aching head and all.  I did 20 minutes.  I tried really hard to not hold on.  That's so hard.  I feel like I'm gonna fall and the more I walk the number my feet get.  I'll keep practicing.  I'm going to try to walk tomorrow too.  The activity plan suggests doing cross-training every other day.  Since I can't get to my elliptical to do that, I think I'll just walk.  My head is killing me.  I'm hot and need a shower.  But I feel good.  I'm on the road again. 
Whoo Hoooo, well, sort of....

and just how many times do i have to explain this?

9/23/2009 01:07:00 PM | 3 Comments

My WLS was originally scheduled for 8/27 and then was cancelled.  I'm waiting to hear from a different place and have no idea how long things might take.  I think everyone who knows me knows this story.

So, I was talking with my mom this morning.  I told her that I was back at my 10 pound weight loss.  After I attended my first WLS seminar, I began being a bit more careful with what I was eating.  I already know I have a fatty liver and to help with shrinking it, I started drinking protein shakes.  I also wanted to do a "taste run" on them in prep for surgery, etc.  Well, I ended up losing 10 pounds from mid-July to now.  But I haven't really been working too hard on it, especially after having my surgery cancelled.

Anyway, the scale has gone up and down a bit.  I was really ticked at my doc's office as her scale weighed me five pounds heavier - which I most definitely mentioned :) to her.  I told her that was why I generally skipped being weighed there because I'm usually keeping track of my weight and I don't need any more discouragement.  I'm sure you all know what I mean.

I was telling my mom that I'm impatient and want a surgery date but know I'm not gonna hear anytime soon.  Then we talked about the 10 pounds.  She said that she was sure I'd lose more before surgery.  I said that while that would be great, let's be realistic.  I have Medicaid - I'm not getting a date any time soon.  And gosh, the holidays are looming.  Sure, mom, no problems there.  I'm frustrated and disappointed and we're heading into the eating-est time of the year.  Oh, sure I'll maintain the 10 pound loss...arghhh.  Now, this conversation wouldn't have been so annoying if it wasn't for the fact that my mom battles her weight and knows better.  The woman thinks I'm Wonder Woman and Mother Theresa rolled into one.  I'm not sabotaging myself or planning to eat like a cow, but I am realistic.





Summer is sadly drawing to an end and I'm really gonna miss my wogging in the pool.  I'll be on the treadmill daily this fall and winter though.  I'm thinking about trying the Couch to 5K thing even before surgery.  I'll be walking though!  So...mom, I know you love me but you also know me.  Stop expecting things you want for me and settle for things I want for me!!  (Which she generally does to be honest.  I'm just cranky today maybe.)

PROMISE YOURSELF

9/22/2009 06:51:00 PM | 2 Comments

PROMISE YOURSELF

  • To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
  • To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
  • To make your friends feel that there is something in them.
  • To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
  • To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
  • To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
  • To forget the mistakes of the past and to press on to the greater achievements of the future.
  • To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and to have a smile ready for every living creature you meet.
  • To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
  • To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
  • To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world - not in loud words but in great deeds.
  • To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.


It's a rant blog (and an update)

9/20/2009 04:31:00 PM | 2 Comments

First off - whoo hooo to me - I have mailed my packet (25 pages) to the WLC.  I forgot that I needed to make copies of stuff.  Had to hook up my new printer.  But, I'm on my way again.  I hope they can get me pushed through quickly.  As I often mention :) I want my band.  I'm ready.  I've done all the pre-op.  Let's do it, people.

Okay, the rant.  I am so irritated with LBT and the way people get banned.  Urgh.  Yes, the guy did ignore the rules.  But, come on!  He isn't going to do that again.  We all enjoy him and want him back.  Being called his followers was a bit insulting.  Makes us sound like groupies.  Geez.  HH makes many valid points and since he has RNY, he's a good source of info.  He also pushes newbies to really investigate before choosing a surgery.  The mods on LBT have made a mistake here.  I hope it doesn't cause the regulars on PJTP to leave.  Guess if they (we) do, we still have Facebook.  I just hate the holier-than-thou attitude of Susan.  Okay, you have a job to do.  You shouldn't have to defend it.  Just do it.  But on this one, you're making a mistake.  End of rant.

Anyone reading this - please cross your fingers for me that my paperwork goes through quickly and that my insurance doesn't cause a big delay.  I wanna band....waaahhhh...NOW


Mistress (or Masterette) of the Grill

9/19/2009 05:59:00 PM | 0 Comments


My sister (we live together) and I received a gas grill from our brother for Christmas last year.  Finally got it put together and used it once.  At that time we hadn't had the deck added on so it was totally inconvenient.  Now, we have a great deck and the grill is getting used!  I love to do veggies but they're messy.  I found this great non-stick skillet online.  It's wonderful!  I also bought a grill basket so I can do fish and other small stuff.  Anyway, I am loving these 2 new items.  I found them on Amazon for a great deal.  And they go into the dishwasher - whoooo hoooo.  Minus their handles, of course :)   Nope, Brookstone isn't paying me for the endorsement....wish they would though...


I cut up zucchini, yellow squash, and eggplant into cubes which I tossed in a bowl with some olive oil, salt, lemon-pepper, and onion powder.  I had some broccoli and decided to toss that in too.  Into the skillet, onto the grill and a bit later - yum.  The broccoli was really interesting.  It almost had the flavor of barbecued meat.  It could have been a little more done, but I was hungry and didn't want to wait.  So, S and I had a great meal of veggies and leftover pork tenderloin (which I grilled a couple days ago).  It was quite tasty, low cal, low fat and low carb...and easy to clean up!


Shameless (and bored)

9/19/2009 01:38:00 PM | 0 Comments

Well, it's Saturday.  I'm bored.  Need to grocery shop and visit Target for a bunch of stuff.  Don't want to though.  Thought I'd get in a swim but it's starting to look cloudy.  Urgh.  I'm missing summer already.

I actually am doing this post 'cause I wanna add an animation that I think is very cute.  How lame.  Oh well, that's just me :)

Darn, she's supposed to be splashing water.  Don't know why this didn't work.  Phooey.

Sometimes people surprise you

9/18/2009 09:36:00 PM | 0 Comments


I had the nicest thing happen to me last night.  I had been posting on Facebook about wanting to read Dan Brown's new book.  I said I was too cheap to buy it in hardback.  Someone suggested the library.  Eeeek, what a long waiting list! 

I had updated all my farms, fish tanks, coral reefs, pets, and assorted addictions I have on FB.  Then I had a message.  A man I know wanted my email address again.  I gave it to him (again) and promptly forgot about it.  Later I remembered and checked my email.  I had a gift card to Amazon waiting for me!  I was able to order my book and am now waiting unpatiently for its arrival.

Wasn't that sweet?  It sure made my day.  I did feel a little awkward about it at first.  I emailed a friend for her advice and she said I should just accept it and say thanks...more or less what she said anyway.  I guess I'm not used to people doing nice things for me, especially virtual strangers.  I told my sister about it and she thought it was great.  Then I told my mom today and she thought it was very nice indeed and she didn't even ask me if I offered any "favors" in return ;).  So, I'm taking it as a very nice gesture and something that just brightened my week.

So, dearest LBT and FB friend - THANKS!  You're good people!

I hope everyone has a thing like this happen.  It reminds you that life is good and so are the majority of the people who wander this earth.



BTW, if you "Facebook" feel free to send me a friendship request.  You can click on my badge on the left of this page or find me:  Poolgirls Journey is my FB name. 

Tales from blogger land

9/17/2009 10:38:00 PM | 1 Comments

I have spent most of the evening reading blogs.  How cool.  When I first started checking out LBT and this whole WLS thing, I saw that some folks blogged.  Didn't think too much of it.  Then I read a new friend's blog and was hooked.  Thanks, Beth!  (She's the Donut gal)  I finally decided to enter the 21st century and began blogging.  My friends on LBT (PJTP) also encouraged me to "do" Facebook.  More on that later.



So, I blogged.  And it bored me.  Not the typing and setting up part, mind you.  Reading my own very boring blog bored me.  Eeek.  I thought about posting a thread asking if others blogged just to see what they were writing about.  I found more blogs that kept my interest.  Now, I have tons to read!  Some smart blogger posted on LBT and asked for blog sites.  I quickly typed my response and checked out all those who listed their pages.  It's been fun and informative.  I really enjoy reading what others think, how they're handling life, and of course, about the band.  I want a band!  Now!  (Sorry, I add that every time but I'm losing patience.)


I've found that I'm the type of person who likes reading and talking with others in a more private setting.  I even found an online support group for people who've had bariatric surgery.  For me, this is appealing.  I am so NOT the type to enjoy sharing my story in front of a group of people.  Please, just shoot me instead.  I don't want any part of attending the support groups my WLC offers.  For those who like it, great!  Me, uh, no thanks.  We all learn differently and process info in our own ways and our own times.  It just happens that I like to do mine nekkid and that's frowned upon at the support groups.  (I was told this - no personal experience here and please don't try to find the YouTube post)  ;)



So, again, thanks to all who blog and who post on LBT.  It's keeping me going.  I've had so many ups and downs on this journey...nearly making me crazy.  But knowing that others have the same struggles reminds me why I'm here.  I can't do this solo.  I need some tools....a band...good friends...blogging...and Facebook :)  Life is good.  If you are reading this (and you're not me) thanks.  I hope you aren't too bored.  Stick around, I may just do something exciting.  Ya never can tell.

After the visit with the doc...

9/17/2009 12:02:00 AM | 1 Comments

Saw the doctor today for a follow-up and then talked about my dizziness, etc.  This wasn't my regular doc but I really liked her (anyway).  I seem to have swimmer's ear and some type of balance issue but not vertigo.  She gave me some drugs and we'll see what happens.  I also got Nasonex...whoo hoo...hate nasal spray and hate allergies.

I mentioned the WLS to this doc since I was leaving paperwork for my regular doctor.  She told me her aunt had been banded and was doing really well.  She also seemed very supportive of the surgery and agreed about obesity being a disease.  Maybe I needed to hear that from another doc - not one performing a WLS seminar and selling himself to me.  I don't know how my regular doc feels about WLS and if she's not agreeable, I'll switch doctors.  I keep saying that I've given myself permission to believe that obesity is a disease.  Hearing it from her really brought it home.

I'm off exercise for a few days 'cause of the ear thing and the dizzies.  I'm back on track.  Thanks to Beth for the smack upside the head.  If I find that I'm struggling too much, I'll talk with people on LBT or seek help from a counselor.  I am changing my life.  Some days will be harder than others but I'm here for the long haul.  I even had a really good talk with my dad today about all of this.  He worries that life'll be really hard for me when he and my mom are gone.  So true.  I told him that's a big reason why I'm having WLS.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I'm in a unique position in life.  My only siblings are several years older than me.  If life follows its usual plan, I could very well be left alone.  I'd have my niece and nephews of course...but who knows?  I don't regret not having kids but I would like a husband.  Any takers???  I'm sure gonna explore this further post band :)

And the important lesson is (as always):  If hunger isn't the problem, then food isn't the solution.  And that says it all...

bad hair day and flounder

9/16/2009 12:29:00 PM | 2 Comments

Yep, it's a bad hair day.  Should have gotten it cut yesterday but didn't feel well.  I think I have vertigo or I'm just loopy.  Seeing the doc later.  Holy crap!  My patio umbrella just went flying past my back door.  Thought it was coming in to see me.  Okay, heart rate going back to normal....sort of...

Okay, I need volunteers.  I need a smack upside the head.  I have to get motivated on my weight loss journey.  I keep feeling sorry for myself that my band has been put on hold.  I really don't feel like eating healthy.  Was the surgery my only motivation??  No, I'm ready for this.  But, man, it's a struggle.  I know I need to cultivate healthy habits and I really have.  I do exercise nearly every day.  But I want to move on.  I had pictured myself weighing less by now.  If I had been banded 8/27 I'm sure I would have lost a few pounds by now.  I also thought I'd be in control by the holidays.  With the band in place, I knew I'd remain so virtuous.  On my own, I'm not so sure.


Help!  Somebody help me find my motivation.  I'm floundering.  Hmmm, flounder for dinner?  Arghh.  I'm gonna be really brave and get on the scale at the doc's office.  Maybe that'll shock my system into gear.  I can do this, I will do this.  I want this.  I deserve this. 


I just read a great blog where the blogger talked about being a funny, articulate, worthwhile gal...she just has some extra weight.  Well, I'm smart, not hideous :) and am witty.  I just have hidden myself under layers of fat.  Why?  Good question.  I think going with the status quo has been somewhat easier than losing weight and dealing with all the comes with it.  I'm not big on change.  Staying fat...well, it sure doesn't encourage relationships with men....Hmmm, could it be that I've been burned before and don't want to get close to that flame again?  Or, will my family approve of my guy?  Hmmm, been there.  This weight loss journey is like peeling an onion.  So many layers.  Some more transparent than others and some just make you cry.  Wow, a revelation and it's only noon.

Limbo and other crazy dances

9/15/2009 10:43:00 PM | 0 Comments

I've finished filling out my paperwork for the new WLC.  I see my regular doc tomorrow and will have her complete the stuff she needs to.  I'm sure the wait after submitting my paperwork will be endless....
I'm having trouble staying focused on the band stuff.  I read LBT, look at success stories, learn new stuff.  But I don't have any real excitement about it anymore.  I guess having had a surgery date made it all seem more real.  Now, who knows?  I thought I'd be so much further along by now.  Urghhh.

I really, really hate that fall is coming so quickly.  The leaves are turning and falling into my pool.  I'm not amused.  I hate closing the pool.  Funny though, I really like fall.  I love the whole holiday season.  I just figured by Christmas this year, I'd be into some new clothes.  Smaller clothes.  Crap.  I hate waiting.
I so need to get myself in gear.  I need to get to work on jewelry.  I just don't want to.  Maybe I need a pep talk.  I don't want to do the shows this year.  I'm worn out.  I'm totally drained from taking care of my family this past year.  I don't have anything left to be creative.  I'm tapped out.  I can't face the thought of getting up at the crack of dawn and sitting thru long, boring days and not selling.  Last year was awful.  I don't think the economy is that much better this year.  I lost money last year.  So I'm not so eager to do that again.  Crap again.  I need a swift kick in the ass I guess.
I'm excited that so many people on LBT were talking about their blogs.  I love reading them.  I get a sense of what others are going thu and how they deal.  I know they'll be great support and inspiration to me when I finally get banded.  See, I said finally, not if....  But, when???  I want a band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not a rubber band though :)


Note to anyone who is reading my blog for the first time:  I swear I'm not usually so whiney and crazy.  I'm just frustrated.  I had a surgery date and then had it snatched from me.  Now I'm in limbo.

Still Crazy after all these years....

9/11/2009 03:29:00 PM | 0 Comments

Well, I'm not crazy.  I finally got the report from the psychologist.  Seems I'll be a good candidate.  The guy did say a few things I don't really agree with.  But, that's not unexpected.  I really dislike that he used the words "excessive weight".  Excuse me?  Excessive?  I could tell upon meeting him that he was anti-fat.  So, sure, he's the perfect choice to do these evals.  Eeek.  He also seemed to say that I haven't stuck to exercise.  Interesting.  One, we didn't talk exercise.  At all.  Second, WTH have I been doing in the pool every day?  Or the treadmill?  Or yoga?  Or the elliptical?  Didn't I do three years of water aerobics?  Idiot.


So, the journey continues.  I'll submit my paperwork to the office on Monday.  Then I wait.  And wait.  They will contact my insurance to get approval.  They said it usually takes about a month.  Then I asked about Medicaid.  Hmm, Medicaid always takes longer.  Crap. 


 I have to get with my PCP about the 5-year weight history.  I generally avoid the scale at the doc's office so this should prove interesting.  I do know approximately what I have weighed in the last five years.  It's about the same as now.  Fortunately, there should be some record since they weighed me before surgery three years ago.  Just have to see...

Huh, not as bad as i thought it might be

9/04/2009 11:37:00 PM | 1 Comments

Okay.  I may have been wrong.  Not that that happens often, but it does on occasion.  I finally got thru to someone at my new doc's office.  I found out that I won't have to do a 6-month pre-op diet.  Whooo hoo.  I have scheduled my appointment for the psych eval.  Guy sounds about 100 years old.  He is semi-retired and works from his home.  Come in, said the spider to the fly....eeeeek.  He charges $225 payable in cash only.  I think there might be some report fee too.  I don't care.  Medicaid doesn't cover it so I went with the guy closest to home.  Can't wait to get up early Tues. to make it there by 9 am.
I asked the surgeon's office about Medicaid requirements and was told that they really don't have any.  I'm in a good position since I've already done all the pre-op testing.  So, I'll sign some releases and get all my results sent in ASAP.  I see my PCP on Weds. so we are moving right along.  Of course, I have NO idea how long it'll take to actually get an appointment and then to schedule the surgery.  I'm hoping for some time THIS year.  Gotta get S moving on her journey too.

At this point, I don't care if I like the new doc, the nut, the nurses, etc.  I can play the game with anyone.  I want my band!!  Hope the shrink doesn't decide that I need to be institutionalized.  Hello macadamia ranch.  Perish the thought!!  I wogged for an hour today in the pool.  I checked the scale too.  Since starting the journey I've lost 6 pounds.  After the liquid diet I was at 10 but some sneaked/snuck back on.  Indeed.  I'm feeling much more positive now.  The ups and downs these past 2 weeks have made me crazy.

I'm So Very Confused

9/03/2009 09:30:00 PM | 0 Comments

When I saw my first surgeon, he gave me his pre-op and post-op diet instructions.  Actually, his office "girl" gave it to me after much searching and questioning.  The forms were in HER desk drawer.  Again, red flag about changing doctors...  As for the pre-op part, I had talked with the doc and voiced my concerns about having a fatty liver. I told him that I'd been taste-testing protein shakes and monitoring my eating because I didn't want a fatty liver to screw up my surgery.  We discussed shakes and I told him that I really liked the Isopure Powder in vanilla.  It's whey protein isolate.
When I went to the hospital for pre-op testing, part of that was meeting with a dietician.  And meet her I did.  I finally found her so-called office.  It was a door marked Staff Only.  She finally came out and we "met" in the vending machine area near the cafeteria.  She gave me papers that she said were the doc's pre-op and post-op instructions.  They were NOT the same as the doc gave me.  She told me that I would have to do Isopure Clear during my liquids phase.  If I had protein shakes, that would be the same as having dairy and no dairy until week 2.  Hmmmm.  The doc's instructions said Isopure Powder was fine.  Then I read the label on a bottle of the vile Isopure Clear....It contains whey protein isolate and lists calcium in the nutrition facts.  Uh, whey?  Like from dairy/milk?  WTH?  Who do you trust?  Eeeek.
Again, I have to say....glad I'm not using that doc!!  Dodged a bullet there!

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

9/02/2009 05:27:00 PM | 1 Comments

Okay, this is gonna be long.  You've been warned!  My original doctor finally returned my call.  I told him about my issues with his staff.  He said he'll address it.  Yeah, sure.  So, the story is this...My insurance is Medicaid.  Please don't judge me.  You have no idea what my life has been like.  I never thought I'd end up on SSI and using Medicaid.  Well, if I paid cash for the band, Medicaid would not be responsible for any follow-up care.  If I had slippage or erosion, I'd be stuck paying for anything out of my own pocket.  My doc also said that he was pretty sure Medicaid would cancel me if I paid cash.  They would consider it a resource.  He could be right.  I don't know and can't take the chance.

He suggested I call one of the docs within the same hospital group.  I did and it sounded good.  Then I found out that they only accept a certain type of Medicaid.  Not mine.  Okay, I give up.  No band for me.  I could go to Mexico and pay cash.  But again, what if I need follow-up care?  I'm totally bummed.  I call Medicaid again.  I'm number 12 on the list on hold.  Note to self:  Do not call Medicaid during the first couple days of the month.  Again, I ask Medicaid for docs in my area who do bariatric surgery.  They're gonna send a list.  Nice.

After my wog in the pool, I call HOAB, the place that has the seminar tomorrow.  I question them repeatedly about the Medicaid issue.  They said I'd have to sign a waiver but there would be no problems.  They offer lifetime fills and follow-ups.  Of course, that doesn't include slips or erosion, etc.  I then Googled for other docs in my area.

I FOUND ONE!  It's not an ideal location.  I'm not thrilled about the program.  But, I can make it work.  I don't know if I'll have to do a 6-month doc-supervised diet or any of the other stuff.  I will have to have a psych eval and I'll self-pay that.  They have a 25 page packet on their website.  S is printing it at work and I'll fill it out and fax it back.  I don't have to attend another seminar...yipee.  Beyond this, I know nothing.  If this doesn't work out, I'm done.  I'll know that this is not meant to be.  I told S that we'd just make a suicide pact if this doesn't pan out.  That, or move to an island and eat coconut 'til we die.  Wonder if we'd have to take The Parent People with us....

I'm totally conflicted.  I've been so up and so down.  I'm afraid to call Medicaid again and see what other obstacles I may have to deal with.  I can do the 6-month diet.  But not on my own.  It'll be doc-supervised.  I will not diet on my own again.  Skip ahead, pack on forty pounds in addition to what I might have lost on the diet.  Hell, I'll just pack on the 40 now and skip the fun of the diet.  Geez.

Now, I'm gonna research this new surgeon.  I'm scared.  If there's anything wrong, I don't think I can handle the disappointment.  This has been so hard.  A good thing though is that my original doc said I was a great candidate for lap band.  I'm so prepared I could lead a freaking seminar myself.  He also said that while losing weight may help with my back, it may not.  If I lost my Medicaid, then I'd be totally screwed if something else happened.  He had a valid point.  So, I'm not gonna report him to the Board of Healing Arts.  Although I'm not sure I agree about Medicaid dropping me if I self-pay.  I did self-pay my neurosurgeon and will be paying him for the rest of my life.  No one had a problem with that.

I want to comment on the conflict with having cash to pay for a surgery when I have Medicaid.  S won a settlement.  It's money from that that would have been paying for the band.  S fought a long, hard battle and absolutely deserves every penny she received.  She was going to pay for my surgery out of the goodness of her heart.  She could have chosen to pay off credit cards or something else.  But she made a selfless choice.  I don't feel that her money should be considered a resource.  If I lose weight, I probably won't need all the medications I currently take.  That would save Medicaid some money.  But, that's not how it works.  This has been a hell of a day.  I'm just now drinking a protein shake.  It's 5 pm.
My fingers are crossed.  I'm praying and offering it up.  I don't know what else to do.  What will be, will be. But I really, really can't take any more disappointment.  I want a band.  I want to be thin, happier, healthier.  This post seems to have gotten long and boring.  Sorry.  I think I'm just rambling.

If it's still summer, why is it so freaking cold outside?

8/31/2009 12:03:00 AM | 0 Comments

Here it is.  August 30.  My dad's real b'day.  It's cold out.  Gonna be in the 40's tonight.  My pool heater is running non-stop.  I hate this weather.  A lot.  It's still summer!  People keep saying that this weather is so nice.  Uh, you gonna feel that way come February? We will have had a 2 month summer.  Think that might make for an awful long fall/winter.  Yuck.  I'm not ready to give up the pool.  I didn't even get to use it in June.  Stupid weather.

I'm in a weird place.  I know the surgery with Dr. M was going to be a mistake.  Why, I'm not exactly sure.  Now, it seems that S isn't so sure about any of this.  Great.  I just want to attend the next seminar, see if this guy is a freak or not, and get my band.  I did all the mental prep.  I'm ready.  I just had it all in my head a certain way.  Now, I have to shift gears.  What if the new doc's pre-op sucks?  What if his post-op sucks?  I like the protein I like.  I've done my research and don't want to change now.  Great attitude, huh?  Well, sue me.

I'll admit that I still have doubts about the band.  But I do know a few things.  I refuse to diet again.  There aren't any other options.  I won't do bypass and can't wrap my head around the sleeve.  So, what else is available?  Nothing, nada, zip.  I'm doing this whether S is along for the journey or not.  I have to do this for me.  I can't hold her hand forever.  She certainly seemed interested and ready.  I hope she still is.  This is my life.  I have to do what's right for me.  It would be much easier if she was on board.  Ugh.  This crap just wears me out.

back on the band wagon

8/29/2009 01:44:00 PM | 1 Comments

I'm going to be banded.  When, well who knows?  I'm looking forward to attending the seminar on Thurs.  Then I just want to move forward.  I'd been acting and feeling like the cancellation of my surgery was taking the band away from me.  Well, that's dumb.  It was just a roadblock.  I'm crossing my fingers that this doc is the one.  If I have bad feelings, I'm moving on.  I had actually looked at his info online before finding my first doc.  I also read good things about this one.  I just had email from the office giving directions to the seminar.  Of course there are tons of forms to fill out.  I hope I don't have to do pre-op stuff.  It would seem pointless since I just did it all on 8/3.  Blood work, maybe.  Stress test, no way.  I also liked the "package" this doc offers.  Fills and visits are included for life.  With the first doc, it was just a year.  I need to lose a lot and I think it'll take more than a year.  And this doc is $2000 cheaper too! 
Somehow, I don't think this is the right band :(

I Just Knew Something Would Go Wrong

8/28/2009 10:22:00 PM | 0 Comments

When I actually listed myself on the August '09 Bandsters on LBT and began telling people my surgery date, I knew there was going to be a problem.  I just had a bad feeling and now I know why.  I'm still planning to go forward and have surgery.  I'm attending a seminar next week and meeting a new surgeon.  I've looked at the VSG and it's just not for me.  I'm not ready to give up part of my body.  I am ready to do the work involved with the lap band.  I refuse to stay fat and miserable.  If I have complications, so be it.  I'll deal with them - when and if.
I just can't believe I'm this far back on the process again.  This sucks.  I had this so planned out.  I was really hoping for weight loss before the holidays.  Guess there's no law saying I can't drop a few pounds on my own.  But I really wanted to be further along by September.  WLS can't interfere with my jewelry business.  It'll be great to have something to focus on, but I can't take too much stress.  Guess I'll have to see when I may be able to have surgery.  I hope the new doc doesn't have a long waiting list.  Also hope I don't have to do all the pre-op testing again.  I sure don't want to repeat the stress test.  It was so fun the first time ;)

Surgery Date - But No Band For Me

8/28/2009 02:23:00 PM | 1 Comments

Oh, my.  The last few days have been well, weird, difficult, upsetting, depressing, enlightening.  Shall I go on?  I got a call Tuesday night that my surgery was being cancelled.  The short version of this story is that someone in the surgeon's office screwed up.  They submitted to my insurance company and shouldn't have.  They told me that if my doc accepted my money, he'd be breaking the law.  Well, that's not true.  I talked with Medicaid and there is no rule like that at all.  They thought it was ridiculous and suggested I call the Board of Healing Arts.  I will call them, no worries there.

Having the surgery cancelled was quite a blow.  I was so upset and so angry.  And so devastated.  This was the start of my new life.  But later, I realized that I was sort of relieved.  I was having bad feelings about the doctor and his staff from the beginning.  And I kept reading all the band horror stories on LBT.  There are so many.  I hadn't been feeling totally comfortable about the band.  The issues with it seem to be things that I think could easily happen to me.  It also seems that bands aren't made to last forever.  Being self-pay, I was worried about complications.  And what about fills after the first year?  That wasn't going to be covered.

I'm looking hard at VSG...vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  I've heard good things.  I've been lurking over at the sleeve forum.  I put a call in with a surgeon in San Francisco.  He's done more than 1000.  The cost seems to be just a bit more than the band would be here.  Of course, we'll have to travel.  S is okay with that.  I think the sleeve might be better for her too. 

I really think we should all stop and really listen when we're having doubts.  God thumps us on the head but we don't always listen.  I wanted this so badly that I just wasn't hearing.  But I don't think I could have gone through with banding.  This whole SNAFU is a blessing in disguise.  I'm asking for Divine inspiration here.  If the sleeve isn't the right way to go, I'm sure there will be some sign about that.  I just hope my desperation doesn't cause me to be deaf. 

Pre-Op Diet Day 3

8/24/2009 04:57:00 PM | 0 Comments

Oh, liquid diet, how I love thee.  Okay, I'm hungry but not starving.  Here's a little TMI.  Liquids in, liquids out.  My body is finally releasing the water that has been causing my sausage fingers.  It's about time.  Got on the scale this morning and was only down 7 pounds total.  That's from when I started this journey and saw the surgeon - July 14.  Urgh.  Guess more will make its way out of my body soon.  Oh, joy.

I did find some Crystal Light that I actually like.  Pink Lemonade.  Or, I'm so hungry that I've convinced myself that I like it.  Whatever.

It's still cool out.  Not summer weather at all.  Hope to get in the pool tomorrow.  I miss it :( lots.  Yesterday was great, especially with the cooler weather.  The party was nice.  Avoiding the food wasn't really bad.  It WAS hard when I got home though.  I fought through it.  I'm just getting used to my stomach growling.  I'm not at all familiar with that or I wouldn't need a lapband.  Oh, the thrills never end.  Gotta pee again.  BBL.

Pre-Op Diet Day 1

8/23/2009 12:38:00 AM | 0 Comments

Okey-dokey.  I'm almost finished with day 1 of liquids.  I had broth, water, protein shake, tea, couple of SF Popsicles and 2 SF Jell-O cups.  Oh boy.  It was really hard cooking all the food for the party without eating any.  I did taste the juices and stuff.  Tomorrow will be very tough.  I know I'll be hungry but I'm gonna stay busy.

I have really been questioning the whole lap band thing. I think this is normal though.  Right??  I have to lose weight.  I've exhausted all my other options.  This is going to work for me because I'm ready to do the work.  I have lots of concerns but don't anticipate any real issues.  If I start having too much "head hunger" I'll talk to the doctor or Nut and seek therapy.  This has to work.  Or I'll be forced to carve my excess fat off my body with a plastic spork.  Really.


I'm hungry.  Tummy is growling.  Lots.  I really like potato salad.  And crab rangoon dip.  But, I'm not having any tomorrow.  I can have that stuff somewhere down the road.  Truly, I'm not that worried about it.  I'm just hungry and not really used to that feeling.  Maybe that's an up side to the pre-op.  You really start learning what hungry truly feels like.  Growl, growl...

The Eve of the Pre-Op

8/22/2009 12:48:00 AM | 0 Comments


Well, here I am. Tomorrow morning I start the pre-op diet. Yikes. I gotta say that the party on Sunday is gonna be a real test. I keep telling myself that someday I will have cake again, and soda, and wine, and chocolate from a fountain, and fruit...okay, you get the idea. But I'm gonna do this! I'll stay busy taking pictures and stuff.

It was weird when I was in the grocery store. I saw stuff that sounded good but I didn't linger. I was totally focused on party goods and getting the soup and popsicles I need for pre-op. Shopping with Dad is always an experience. Poor guy, he nearly had heart failure at the total at the checkout. Then he helped load bags in the trunk. What a dad!

I had sort of a revelation while I was on the deck waiting for Woody. (Note: it's only about 65 degrees - weird) I have questioned my decision all night. Is the band the right thing to do? Or, will I end up with the sleeve eventually? Then I realized that I will not do bypass surgery and am not comfortable giving up a big portion of my stomach. So what's left? Let's hear it for The Band! God forbid it ever causes trouble I can have it removed and make a new plan. I'm in this for the long haul. I don't want to be fat any longer. Even though Dad said that I wasn't really fat, just heavy. It was sweet. I can do this, I will do this.

Gotta say it though - yuck for an all-liquid diet. I already know that I'll become very familiar with my bathroom. Urgh. Fingers crossed that I don't have an "issue" at the party. Oh man. That would be so awful. I hope the party goes well. I think it will. How am I gonna make German potato salad w/o tasting it? Or the beans? Okay, the beans will be okay either way but the tater salad has to be seasoned just right. And S and I don't agree on that usually. Guess she'll be a taste-tester anyway. Whatever.

Backing Away From LBT

8/20/2009 06:48:00 PM | 0 Comments

Think it might be time to stop visiting LBT until after surgery. I just can't take reading all the negative posts. I'm scared to death that something will happen to my band (if I get banded). So many posts on LBT are horror stories. Those folks are basically telling us that our bands WILL fail - it's just a matter of time. So we should be starting our Band Fucked Me Up/Save For The Sleeve Fund. According to one "expert" if you wait too long if you're having problems, you're just prolonging the agony and doing more damage.


This is just not the kind of stuff I want to hear one week from surgery. I'm scared enough. I don't think I'm playing ostrich but maybe I am. I think I'm gonna just have a peek at the sleeve boards and see what's what.
And I have a headache. Crap.

I'm Up Sorta Early For Once

8/19/2009 09:46:00 AM | 0 Comments





Hello world. I actually have been up since about 8 am. That's progress. Busy day ahead. I need to go to the store. Then arrange to get pool covered this afternoon. Tree people coming tomorrow - unless it rains today :(

While I was lying in bed this am before I got up, my tummy was actually rumbly and growly. I wasn't really hungry before I went to bed. I'm really trying to get into the right mind-set here. Drinking the protein shakes and eating a meal at lunch is kinda hard. But I made a commitment to DS. I'm not going to have a large evening meal while she's sipping away on yet another shake. Funny, I doubt she'd be doing this for me. Oh well. It's really only bad when I'm hungry and then I think hmmm, I don't have to be doing this diet thing yet. Next week on clears will be quite a test but I guess all of this is preparing me too.

I'm wondering if I'll get any pool time today. Rain in forecast. Sky is sorta sunny/sorta cloudy. But it's those bluish-gray clouds. Don't look good, folks!

Did I mention that I really hate grocery shopping? I does...lots. But I don't have a lot to buy. Except for the party stuff. I sure got screwed there. DB and wife are doing brats and burgers, paper goods, condiments, cake, and providing the house. I'm on everything else. Hmmmm, how did that happen? At least I get to control what the side dishes are and I can make stuff I don't even like ;) I can even pass on the cake. It's the fruit for the fountain. I am soooo hungry for fruit, hence the trip to the store.

I'm sitting here with the check to mail to the surgeon for my surgery. Wow. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Kinda excited. And I'm just really ready to get moving on this. I've been patient since the seminar back in July. I don't want to wish away time, but I wish the big day was here already. I want it over with. Questions answered, knowing whether or not I'll be in pain, whether or not I survived the barium swallow.... But, it's only Weds. 8/19. Still a week to go.

In a Better Place Today

8/18/2009 03:19:00 PM | 0 Comments







I'm feeling better today although I still didn't get up early. I cooked some chicken breast and had that for lunch. Hung up clothes and threw more in. I'm trying to get in order for next week but I'm struggling. I didn't get in the pool. I'm feeling sort of guilty about that. At one point I did put my suit on. Then I looked outside at all the clouds. Took suit off. Later, hit with tummy problems so maybe it was just as well.

I found some great stuff on LBT today. Read some NSVs...those really make me wish I was further along but I know it'll come someday. I'm still losing weight even though my pre-op doesn't start until Sat. I'm a bit worried about the b'day party. I like cake! And the chocolate fountain will be hard to pass up. I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. I think I'll be okay though. I really don't want to have a fat liver!!
I also have looked at the paperwork from the surgeon's office and what I got from the nutritionist at the hospital. The main difference is with the protein drinks and skim milk. Dr. says skim milk is fine on clears. Nut says no. I think I trust my doc more. This was the hospital nut, not the one from the weight loss program. I'm sure I'll find out more on 8/27...the big day. I actually think I'm getting excited. The party is helping take my mind off the surgery part. I'm still a bit nervous but since I've had back surgery, I know what to expect.

Holy crap though! There was a thread on LBT about "going commando" into the OR. Well, that didn't surprise me...been there...done that. What did surprise me was that my legs will be up and the surgeon will be standing between them. Excuse me? It was a great thread though :) - very funny and kind of took the edge off. Some of the women were quite taken aback. I guess you just have to read the thread and meet "Jim Bob and the Twins"...then you'll get it :)

Well, it's totally cloudy outside now. I could get on the treadmill but I think I'm just gonna give myself a break today. I really need to finish the laundry. I'm out of everything! Maybe the laundry fairy will show up. Ya never know.

I've been reading lots of blogs from fellow bandsters. They are really interesting and inspirational. I like hearing about their adventures, good and bad. I can relate to what they're talking about and see that they too have struggled. It seems like a great support tool, too. That's what I get from LBT. Support, encouragement, friends, and a sense of what others are doing, feeling, eating...how they're living with their bands. I'm glad I found that forum!

Just Not a Good Day

8/17/2009 10:52:00 PM | 0 Comments

Well, today has been a frustrating day. I planned to get up early or earlier. Didn't happen. I didn't sleep well because my back was hurting. So I didn't want to get up. I didn't get much done today. I threw in a load of laundry. Raked the floor. Laundry's still in the washer. Did get in the pool but not long enough. Stupid rain! My back is hurting still.

I have to get my shit together. I have to get this house cleaned up and laundry done, etc. so I can "relax" before the surgery. Yeah, sure, relax. I want the house in order for my recovery. I'm not expecting it to be bad or anything but you never know. It could stir up the back problems or the fibro. Crap.

I feel unsettled. I'm okay with my decision on the band but I'm starting to think about the finality of it. Boy, it's final. I need to mail the check to pay for it tomorrow. Eeek. I wish I could see into the future and know this is the right thing for me. I guess I'm hoping for some big sign. Maybe my "flash" at the seminar was it. Shit, I don't know. I'm not even up for typing this.

Late Sunday/Early Monday

8/17/2009 01:15:00 AM | 0 Comments

Okay, here I am again. I've spent nearly the whole day reading on LBT. I thought I was having doubts and nearly typed that. I just backspaced that away. Oh, if life were only that easy! I'm not doubting my decision to go for the lap band. While I don't want to think of it this way, the sleeve option is still there if I ever have my band removed or have problems. That's not the best attitude I guess, but there you go. I feel almost bullied on LBT about the sleeve. I'm just not ready to have part of my stomach chopped out and thrown away.
I just told Sue that when we went to our LB seminar, I had a flash of myself walking to the front of the room and telling my story. I figured it would be about a year or so away. I detest public speaking and drawing attention to myself so how weird is that? But, I did have the flash. There I was, thin, healthy, happy, and looking damned good.
Maybe it is a sign. Maybe it's not. But I'm going forward. I want a new life. I see Sue's struggles and it just makes me sad and angry. I really needed her help with the pool and she was barely able to stand there. I was the one who got in the pool fully clothed, found the hoses, found the plug. She sat on the deck until I finally said that I really, really needed another pair of hands. Do I blame her? Yeah, sometimes. Which really puts me in a bad spot. How can you be angry with someone who is paying for your surgery and offering you a chance at a new life? Sometimes I think of it as payback for all that I have had to do these past few years. It's been rugged. I'm totally worn out. I am the care-taker for the family and sometimes I need some care too. I'm spent, drained, and don't have much left. I'm trying though.

I'm getting up earlier tomorrow. I have laundry, kitchen cleaning, cooking and getting ready for the party and my surgery. Great, plenty of stress. Oh well. I'll get thru, I always do.

Nope, Not Telling

8/16/2009 03:20:00 PM | 0 Comments

I'm not telling anyone about the surgery. I just don't think it's anyone's business. This is a very personal thing for me. I also don't need any negativity. And I'm sorta embarrassed to have reached this point. I keep telling myself that it's not giving in but it still feels that way. I even told a poster on LBT that it's not our fault, it's not defeat, but it feels that way. The medical world finally calling obesity a disease is good. They finally get it. But maybe I don't. Oh, this is a struggle. As my surgery looms I'm just freaking out. I'm worried about getting in enough pool time. Sitting here right now, it's pouring and thundering. No pool today.

I'm Confused, As Usual

8/16/2009 03:16:00 PM | 0 Comments

Okay. I'm a smart girl. I should be able to figure this out, but.... When I saw my surgeon, he gave me some paperwork about pre-op and post-op stuff. We also discussed protein shakes. I told him I'd been trying them out. He said Isopure powder (vanilla) was fine.

I saw the nutritionist (during pre-op) and she gave me basically the same sheet as the doctor had. She said to do only clear protein drinks in the clear phase. She suggested that God-awful Isopure fruit crap. OMG, no way. She said that if I was doing protein shakes from powder, it was the same as eating dairy. And diary is for after 7 days out. But her sheet also says on the liquid phase you can have anything you blend as long as it's not bumpy, lumpy or chunky. So, I can puree lasagna during my liquids phase?? Somehow, I don't think so.

I'll check this further this week. I'm calling a different nutritionist tomorrow.

The Journey Has Begun

8/16/2009 02:19:00 PM | 0 Comments

I'm having lap band surgery on August 27, 2009. I'm scared. I haven't reached this decision lightly though. I've read and read and read. I've combed the forum on LapBandTalk.com. I've read the success stories and the horror stories.

I deserve a better life. Right now, I'm just existing. I go nowhere, do nothing, have no friends, no social life. And I'm fat. I'm tired of being fat.