and just how many times do i have to explain this?

9/23/2009 01:07:00 PM | 3 Comments

My WLS was originally scheduled for 8/27 and then was cancelled.  I'm waiting to hear from a different place and have no idea how long things might take.  I think everyone who knows me knows this story.

So, I was talking with my mom this morning.  I told her that I was back at my 10 pound weight loss.  After I attended my first WLS seminar, I began being a bit more careful with what I was eating.  I already know I have a fatty liver and to help with shrinking it, I started drinking protein shakes.  I also wanted to do a "taste run" on them in prep for surgery, etc.  Well, I ended up losing 10 pounds from mid-July to now.  But I haven't really been working too hard on it, especially after having my surgery cancelled.

Anyway, the scale has gone up and down a bit.  I was really ticked at my doc's office as her scale weighed me five pounds heavier - which I most definitely mentioned :) to her.  I told her that was why I generally skipped being weighed there because I'm usually keeping track of my weight and I don't need any more discouragement.  I'm sure you all know what I mean.

I was telling my mom that I'm impatient and want a surgery date but know I'm not gonna hear anytime soon.  Then we talked about the 10 pounds.  She said that she was sure I'd lose more before surgery.  I said that while that would be great, let's be realistic.  I have Medicaid - I'm not getting a date any time soon.  And gosh, the holidays are looming.  Sure, mom, no problems there.  I'm frustrated and disappointed and we're heading into the eating-est time of the year.  Oh, sure I'll maintain the 10 pound loss...arghhh.  Now, this conversation wouldn't have been so annoying if it wasn't for the fact that my mom battles her weight and knows better.  The woman thinks I'm Wonder Woman and Mother Theresa rolled into one.  I'm not sabotaging myself or planning to eat like a cow, but I am realistic.





Summer is sadly drawing to an end and I'm really gonna miss my wogging in the pool.  I'll be on the treadmill daily this fall and winter though.  I'm thinking about trying the Couch to 5K thing even before surgery.  I'll be walking though!  So...mom, I know you love me but you also know me.  Stop expecting things you want for me and settle for things I want for me!!  (Which she generally does to be honest.  I'm just cranky today maybe.)

PROMISE YOURSELF

9/22/2009 06:51:00 PM | 2 Comments

PROMISE YOURSELF

  • To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
  • To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
  • To make your friends feel that there is something in them.
  • To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
  • To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
  • To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
  • To forget the mistakes of the past and to press on to the greater achievements of the future.
  • To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and to have a smile ready for every living creature you meet.
  • To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
  • To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
  • To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world - not in loud words but in great deeds.
  • To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.


It's a rant blog (and an update)

9/20/2009 04:31:00 PM | 2 Comments

First off - whoo hooo to me - I have mailed my packet (25 pages) to the WLC.  I forgot that I needed to make copies of stuff.  Had to hook up my new printer.  But, I'm on my way again.  I hope they can get me pushed through quickly.  As I often mention :) I want my band.  I'm ready.  I've done all the pre-op.  Let's do it, people.

Okay, the rant.  I am so irritated with LBT and the way people get banned.  Urgh.  Yes, the guy did ignore the rules.  But, come on!  He isn't going to do that again.  We all enjoy him and want him back.  Being called his followers was a bit insulting.  Makes us sound like groupies.  Geez.  HH makes many valid points and since he has RNY, he's a good source of info.  He also pushes newbies to really investigate before choosing a surgery.  The mods on LBT have made a mistake here.  I hope it doesn't cause the regulars on PJTP to leave.  Guess if they (we) do, we still have Facebook.  I just hate the holier-than-thou attitude of Susan.  Okay, you have a job to do.  You shouldn't have to defend it.  Just do it.  But on this one, you're making a mistake.  End of rant.

Anyone reading this - please cross your fingers for me that my paperwork goes through quickly and that my insurance doesn't cause a big delay.  I wanna band....waaahhhh...NOW


Mistress (or Masterette) of the Grill

9/19/2009 05:59:00 PM | 0 Comments


My sister (we live together) and I received a gas grill from our brother for Christmas last year.  Finally got it put together and used it once.  At that time we hadn't had the deck added on so it was totally inconvenient.  Now, we have a great deck and the grill is getting used!  I love to do veggies but they're messy.  I found this great non-stick skillet online.  It's wonderful!  I also bought a grill basket so I can do fish and other small stuff.  Anyway, I am loving these 2 new items.  I found them on Amazon for a great deal.  And they go into the dishwasher - whoooo hoooo.  Minus their handles, of course :)   Nope, Brookstone isn't paying me for the endorsement....wish they would though...


I cut up zucchini, yellow squash, and eggplant into cubes which I tossed in a bowl with some olive oil, salt, lemon-pepper, and onion powder.  I had some broccoli and decided to toss that in too.  Into the skillet, onto the grill and a bit later - yum.  The broccoli was really interesting.  It almost had the flavor of barbecued meat.  It could have been a little more done, but I was hungry and didn't want to wait.  So, S and I had a great meal of veggies and leftover pork tenderloin (which I grilled a couple days ago).  It was quite tasty, low cal, low fat and low carb...and easy to clean up!


Shameless (and bored)

9/19/2009 01:38:00 PM | 0 Comments

Well, it's Saturday.  I'm bored.  Need to grocery shop and visit Target for a bunch of stuff.  Don't want to though.  Thought I'd get in a swim but it's starting to look cloudy.  Urgh.  I'm missing summer already.

I actually am doing this post 'cause I wanna add an animation that I think is very cute.  How lame.  Oh well, that's just me :)

Darn, she's supposed to be splashing water.  Don't know why this didn't work.  Phooey.

Sometimes people surprise you

9/18/2009 09:36:00 PM | 0 Comments


I had the nicest thing happen to me last night.  I had been posting on Facebook about wanting to read Dan Brown's new book.  I said I was too cheap to buy it in hardback.  Someone suggested the library.  Eeeek, what a long waiting list! 

I had updated all my farms, fish tanks, coral reefs, pets, and assorted addictions I have on FB.  Then I had a message.  A man I know wanted my email address again.  I gave it to him (again) and promptly forgot about it.  Later I remembered and checked my email.  I had a gift card to Amazon waiting for me!  I was able to order my book and am now waiting unpatiently for its arrival.

Wasn't that sweet?  It sure made my day.  I did feel a little awkward about it at first.  I emailed a friend for her advice and she said I should just accept it and say thanks...more or less what she said anyway.  I guess I'm not used to people doing nice things for me, especially virtual strangers.  I told my sister about it and she thought it was great.  Then I told my mom today and she thought it was very nice indeed and she didn't even ask me if I offered any "favors" in return ;).  So, I'm taking it as a very nice gesture and something that just brightened my week.

So, dearest LBT and FB friend - THANKS!  You're good people!

I hope everyone has a thing like this happen.  It reminds you that life is good and so are the majority of the people who wander this earth.



BTW, if you "Facebook" feel free to send me a friendship request.  You can click on my badge on the left of this page or find me:  Poolgirls Journey is my FB name. 

Tales from blogger land

9/17/2009 10:38:00 PM | 1 Comments

I have spent most of the evening reading blogs.  How cool.  When I first started checking out LBT and this whole WLS thing, I saw that some folks blogged.  Didn't think too much of it.  Then I read a new friend's blog and was hooked.  Thanks, Beth!  (She's the Donut gal)  I finally decided to enter the 21st century and began blogging.  My friends on LBT (PJTP) also encouraged me to "do" Facebook.  More on that later.



So, I blogged.  And it bored me.  Not the typing and setting up part, mind you.  Reading my own very boring blog bored me.  Eeek.  I thought about posting a thread asking if others blogged just to see what they were writing about.  I found more blogs that kept my interest.  Now, I have tons to read!  Some smart blogger posted on LBT and asked for blog sites.  I quickly typed my response and checked out all those who listed their pages.  It's been fun and informative.  I really enjoy reading what others think, how they're handling life, and of course, about the band.  I want a band!  Now!  (Sorry, I add that every time but I'm losing patience.)


I've found that I'm the type of person who likes reading and talking with others in a more private setting.  I even found an online support group for people who've had bariatric surgery.  For me, this is appealing.  I am so NOT the type to enjoy sharing my story in front of a group of people.  Please, just shoot me instead.  I don't want any part of attending the support groups my WLC offers.  For those who like it, great!  Me, uh, no thanks.  We all learn differently and process info in our own ways and our own times.  It just happens that I like to do mine nekkid and that's frowned upon at the support groups.  (I was told this - no personal experience here and please don't try to find the YouTube post)  ;)



So, again, thanks to all who blog and who post on LBT.  It's keeping me going.  I've had so many ups and downs on this journey...nearly making me crazy.  But knowing that others have the same struggles reminds me why I'm here.  I can't do this solo.  I need some tools....a band...good friends...blogging...and Facebook :)  Life is good.  If you are reading this (and you're not me) thanks.  I hope you aren't too bored.  Stick around, I may just do something exciting.  Ya never can tell.

After the visit with the doc...

9/17/2009 12:02:00 AM | 1 Comments

Saw the doctor today for a follow-up and then talked about my dizziness, etc.  This wasn't my regular doc but I really liked her (anyway).  I seem to have swimmer's ear and some type of balance issue but not vertigo.  She gave me some drugs and we'll see what happens.  I also got Nasonex...whoo hoo...hate nasal spray and hate allergies.

I mentioned the WLS to this doc since I was leaving paperwork for my regular doctor.  She told me her aunt had been banded and was doing really well.  She also seemed very supportive of the surgery and agreed about obesity being a disease.  Maybe I needed to hear that from another doc - not one performing a WLS seminar and selling himself to me.  I don't know how my regular doc feels about WLS and if she's not agreeable, I'll switch doctors.  I keep saying that I've given myself permission to believe that obesity is a disease.  Hearing it from her really brought it home.

I'm off exercise for a few days 'cause of the ear thing and the dizzies.  I'm back on track.  Thanks to Beth for the smack upside the head.  If I find that I'm struggling too much, I'll talk with people on LBT or seek help from a counselor.  I am changing my life.  Some days will be harder than others but I'm here for the long haul.  I even had a really good talk with my dad today about all of this.  He worries that life'll be really hard for me when he and my mom are gone.  So true.  I told him that's a big reason why I'm having WLS.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I'm in a unique position in life.  My only siblings are several years older than me.  If life follows its usual plan, I could very well be left alone.  I'd have my niece and nephews of course...but who knows?  I don't regret not having kids but I would like a husband.  Any takers???  I'm sure gonna explore this further post band :)

And the important lesson is (as always):  If hunger isn't the problem, then food isn't the solution.  And that says it all...

bad hair day and flounder

9/16/2009 12:29:00 PM | 2 Comments

Yep, it's a bad hair day.  Should have gotten it cut yesterday but didn't feel well.  I think I have vertigo or I'm just loopy.  Seeing the doc later.  Holy crap!  My patio umbrella just went flying past my back door.  Thought it was coming in to see me.  Okay, heart rate going back to normal....sort of...

Okay, I need volunteers.  I need a smack upside the head.  I have to get motivated on my weight loss journey.  I keep feeling sorry for myself that my band has been put on hold.  I really don't feel like eating healthy.  Was the surgery my only motivation??  No, I'm ready for this.  But, man, it's a struggle.  I know I need to cultivate healthy habits and I really have.  I do exercise nearly every day.  But I want to move on.  I had pictured myself weighing less by now.  If I had been banded 8/27 I'm sure I would have lost a few pounds by now.  I also thought I'd be in control by the holidays.  With the band in place, I knew I'd remain so virtuous.  On my own, I'm not so sure.


Help!  Somebody help me find my motivation.  I'm floundering.  Hmmm, flounder for dinner?  Arghh.  I'm gonna be really brave and get on the scale at the doc's office.  Maybe that'll shock my system into gear.  I can do this, I will do this.  I want this.  I deserve this. 


I just read a great blog where the blogger talked about being a funny, articulate, worthwhile gal...she just has some extra weight.  Well, I'm smart, not hideous :) and am witty.  I just have hidden myself under layers of fat.  Why?  Good question.  I think going with the status quo has been somewhat easier than losing weight and dealing with all the comes with it.  I'm not big on change.  Staying fat...well, it sure doesn't encourage relationships with men....Hmmm, could it be that I've been burned before and don't want to get close to that flame again?  Or, will my family approve of my guy?  Hmmm, been there.  This weight loss journey is like peeling an onion.  So many layers.  Some more transparent than others and some just make you cry.  Wow, a revelation and it's only noon.

Limbo and other crazy dances

9/15/2009 10:43:00 PM | 0 Comments

I've finished filling out my paperwork for the new WLC.  I see my regular doc tomorrow and will have her complete the stuff she needs to.  I'm sure the wait after submitting my paperwork will be endless....
I'm having trouble staying focused on the band stuff.  I read LBT, look at success stories, learn new stuff.  But I don't have any real excitement about it anymore.  I guess having had a surgery date made it all seem more real.  Now, who knows?  I thought I'd be so much further along by now.  Urghhh.

I really, really hate that fall is coming so quickly.  The leaves are turning and falling into my pool.  I'm not amused.  I hate closing the pool.  Funny though, I really like fall.  I love the whole holiday season.  I just figured by Christmas this year, I'd be into some new clothes.  Smaller clothes.  Crap.  I hate waiting.
I so need to get myself in gear.  I need to get to work on jewelry.  I just don't want to.  Maybe I need a pep talk.  I don't want to do the shows this year.  I'm worn out.  I'm totally drained from taking care of my family this past year.  I don't have anything left to be creative.  I'm tapped out.  I can't face the thought of getting up at the crack of dawn and sitting thru long, boring days and not selling.  Last year was awful.  I don't think the economy is that much better this year.  I lost money last year.  So I'm not so eager to do that again.  Crap again.  I need a swift kick in the ass I guess.
I'm excited that so many people on LBT were talking about their blogs.  I love reading them.  I get a sense of what others are going thu and how they deal.  I know they'll be great support and inspiration to me when I finally get banded.  See, I said finally, not if....  But, when???  I want a band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not a rubber band though :)


Note to anyone who is reading my blog for the first time:  I swear I'm not usually so whiney and crazy.  I'm just frustrated.  I had a surgery date and then had it snatched from me.  Now I'm in limbo.

Still Crazy after all these years....

9/11/2009 03:29:00 PM | 0 Comments

Well, I'm not crazy.  I finally got the report from the psychologist.  Seems I'll be a good candidate.  The guy did say a few things I don't really agree with.  But, that's not unexpected.  I really dislike that he used the words "excessive weight".  Excuse me?  Excessive?  I could tell upon meeting him that he was anti-fat.  So, sure, he's the perfect choice to do these evals.  Eeek.  He also seemed to say that I haven't stuck to exercise.  Interesting.  One, we didn't talk exercise.  At all.  Second, WTH have I been doing in the pool every day?  Or the treadmill?  Or yoga?  Or the elliptical?  Didn't I do three years of water aerobics?  Idiot.


So, the journey continues.  I'll submit my paperwork to the office on Monday.  Then I wait.  And wait.  They will contact my insurance to get approval.  They said it usually takes about a month.  Then I asked about Medicaid.  Hmm, Medicaid always takes longer.  Crap. 


 I have to get with my PCP about the 5-year weight history.  I generally avoid the scale at the doc's office so this should prove interesting.  I do know approximately what I have weighed in the last five years.  It's about the same as now.  Fortunately, there should be some record since they weighed me before surgery three years ago.  Just have to see...

Huh, not as bad as i thought it might be

9/04/2009 11:37:00 PM | 1 Comments

Okay.  I may have been wrong.  Not that that happens often, but it does on occasion.  I finally got thru to someone at my new doc's office.  I found out that I won't have to do a 6-month pre-op diet.  Whooo hoo.  I have scheduled my appointment for the psych eval.  Guy sounds about 100 years old.  He is semi-retired and works from his home.  Come in, said the spider to the fly....eeeeek.  He charges $225 payable in cash only.  I think there might be some report fee too.  I don't care.  Medicaid doesn't cover it so I went with the guy closest to home.  Can't wait to get up early Tues. to make it there by 9 am.
I asked the surgeon's office about Medicaid requirements and was told that they really don't have any.  I'm in a good position since I've already done all the pre-op testing.  So, I'll sign some releases and get all my results sent in ASAP.  I see my PCP on Weds. so we are moving right along.  Of course, I have NO idea how long it'll take to actually get an appointment and then to schedule the surgery.  I'm hoping for some time THIS year.  Gotta get S moving on her journey too.

At this point, I don't care if I like the new doc, the nut, the nurses, etc.  I can play the game with anyone.  I want my band!!  Hope the shrink doesn't decide that I need to be institutionalized.  Hello macadamia ranch.  Perish the thought!!  I wogged for an hour today in the pool.  I checked the scale too.  Since starting the journey I've lost 6 pounds.  After the liquid diet I was at 10 but some sneaked/snuck back on.  Indeed.  I'm feeling much more positive now.  The ups and downs these past 2 weeks have made me crazy.

I'm So Very Confused

9/03/2009 09:30:00 PM | 0 Comments

When I saw my first surgeon, he gave me his pre-op and post-op diet instructions.  Actually, his office "girl" gave it to me after much searching and questioning.  The forms were in HER desk drawer.  Again, red flag about changing doctors...  As for the pre-op part, I had talked with the doc and voiced my concerns about having a fatty liver. I told him that I'd been taste-testing protein shakes and monitoring my eating because I didn't want a fatty liver to screw up my surgery.  We discussed shakes and I told him that I really liked the Isopure Powder in vanilla.  It's whey protein isolate.
When I went to the hospital for pre-op testing, part of that was meeting with a dietician.  And meet her I did.  I finally found her so-called office.  It was a door marked Staff Only.  She finally came out and we "met" in the vending machine area near the cafeteria.  She gave me papers that she said were the doc's pre-op and post-op instructions.  They were NOT the same as the doc gave me.  She told me that I would have to do Isopure Clear during my liquids phase.  If I had protein shakes, that would be the same as having dairy and no dairy until week 2.  Hmmmm.  The doc's instructions said Isopure Powder was fine.  Then I read the label on a bottle of the vile Isopure Clear....It contains whey protein isolate and lists calcium in the nutrition facts.  Uh, whey?  Like from dairy/milk?  WTH?  Who do you trust?  Eeeek.
Again, I have to say....glad I'm not using that doc!!  Dodged a bullet there!

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

9/02/2009 05:27:00 PM | 1 Comments

Okay, this is gonna be long.  You've been warned!  My original doctor finally returned my call.  I told him about my issues with his staff.  He said he'll address it.  Yeah, sure.  So, the story is this...My insurance is Medicaid.  Please don't judge me.  You have no idea what my life has been like.  I never thought I'd end up on SSI and using Medicaid.  Well, if I paid cash for the band, Medicaid would not be responsible for any follow-up care.  If I had slippage or erosion, I'd be stuck paying for anything out of my own pocket.  My doc also said that he was pretty sure Medicaid would cancel me if I paid cash.  They would consider it a resource.  He could be right.  I don't know and can't take the chance.

He suggested I call one of the docs within the same hospital group.  I did and it sounded good.  Then I found out that they only accept a certain type of Medicaid.  Not mine.  Okay, I give up.  No band for me.  I could go to Mexico and pay cash.  But again, what if I need follow-up care?  I'm totally bummed.  I call Medicaid again.  I'm number 12 on the list on hold.  Note to self:  Do not call Medicaid during the first couple days of the month.  Again, I ask Medicaid for docs in my area who do bariatric surgery.  They're gonna send a list.  Nice.

After my wog in the pool, I call HOAB, the place that has the seminar tomorrow.  I question them repeatedly about the Medicaid issue.  They said I'd have to sign a waiver but there would be no problems.  They offer lifetime fills and follow-ups.  Of course, that doesn't include slips or erosion, etc.  I then Googled for other docs in my area.

I FOUND ONE!  It's not an ideal location.  I'm not thrilled about the program.  But, I can make it work.  I don't know if I'll have to do a 6-month doc-supervised diet or any of the other stuff.  I will have to have a psych eval and I'll self-pay that.  They have a 25 page packet on their website.  S is printing it at work and I'll fill it out and fax it back.  I don't have to attend another seminar...yipee.  Beyond this, I know nothing.  If this doesn't work out, I'm done.  I'll know that this is not meant to be.  I told S that we'd just make a suicide pact if this doesn't pan out.  That, or move to an island and eat coconut 'til we die.  Wonder if we'd have to take The Parent People with us....

I'm totally conflicted.  I've been so up and so down.  I'm afraid to call Medicaid again and see what other obstacles I may have to deal with.  I can do the 6-month diet.  But not on my own.  It'll be doc-supervised.  I will not diet on my own again.  Skip ahead, pack on forty pounds in addition to what I might have lost on the diet.  Hell, I'll just pack on the 40 now and skip the fun of the diet.  Geez.

Now, I'm gonna research this new surgeon.  I'm scared.  If there's anything wrong, I don't think I can handle the disappointment.  This has been so hard.  A good thing though is that my original doc said I was a great candidate for lap band.  I'm so prepared I could lead a freaking seminar myself.  He also said that while losing weight may help with my back, it may not.  If I lost my Medicaid, then I'd be totally screwed if something else happened.  He had a valid point.  So, I'm not gonna report him to the Board of Healing Arts.  Although I'm not sure I agree about Medicaid dropping me if I self-pay.  I did self-pay my neurosurgeon and will be paying him for the rest of my life.  No one had a problem with that.

I want to comment on the conflict with having cash to pay for a surgery when I have Medicaid.  S won a settlement.  It's money from that that would have been paying for the band.  S fought a long, hard battle and absolutely deserves every penny she received.  She was going to pay for my surgery out of the goodness of her heart.  She could have chosen to pay off credit cards or something else.  But she made a selfless choice.  I don't feel that her money should be considered a resource.  If I lose weight, I probably won't need all the medications I currently take.  That would save Medicaid some money.  But, that's not how it works.  This has been a hell of a day.  I'm just now drinking a protein shake.  It's 5 pm.
My fingers are crossed.  I'm praying and offering it up.  I don't know what else to do.  What will be, will be. But I really, really can't take any more disappointment.  I want a band.  I want to be thin, happier, healthier.  This post seems to have gotten long and boring.  Sorry.  I think I'm just rambling.