Okay, here I am again. I've spent nearly the whole day reading on LBT. I thought I was having doubts and nearly typed that. I just backspaced that away. Oh, if life were only that easy! I'm not doubting my decision to go for the lap band. While I don't want to think of it this way, the sleeve option is still there if I ever have my band removed or have problems. That's not the best attitude I guess, but there you go. I feel almost bullied on LBT about the sleeve. I'm just not ready to have part of my stomach chopped out and thrown away.
I just told Sue that when we went to our LB seminar, I had a flash of myself walking to the front of the room and telling my story. I figured it would be about a year or so away. I detest public speaking and drawing attention to myself so how weird is that? But, I did have the flash. There I was, thin, healthy, happy, and looking damned good.
Maybe it is a sign. Maybe it's not. But I'm going forward. I want a new life. I see Sue's struggles and it just makes me sad and angry. I really needed her help with the pool and she was barely able to stand there. I was the one who got in the pool fully clothed, found the hoses, found the plug. She sat on the deck until I finally said that I really, really needed another pair of hands. Do I blame her? Yeah, sometimes. Which really puts me in a bad spot. How can you be angry with someone who is paying for your surgery and offering you a chance at a new life? Sometimes I think of it as payback for all that I have had to do these past few years. It's been rugged. I'm totally worn out. I am the care-taker for the family and sometimes I need some care too. I'm spent, drained, and don't have much left. I'm trying though.
I'm getting up earlier tomorrow. I have laundry, kitchen cleaning, cooking and getting ready for the party and my surgery. Great, plenty of stress. Oh well. I'll get thru, I always do.
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