If it's still summer, why is it so freaking cold outside?

8/31/2009 12:03:00 AM | 0 Comments

Here it is.  August 30.  My dad's real b'day.  It's cold out.  Gonna be in the 40's tonight.  My pool heater is running non-stop.  I hate this weather.  A lot.  It's still summer!  People keep saying that this weather is so nice.  Uh, you gonna feel that way come February? We will have had a 2 month summer.  Think that might make for an awful long fall/winter.  Yuck.  I'm not ready to give up the pool.  I didn't even get to use it in June.  Stupid weather.

I'm in a weird place.  I know the surgery with Dr. M was going to be a mistake.  Why, I'm not exactly sure.  Now, it seems that S isn't so sure about any of this.  Great.  I just want to attend the next seminar, see if this guy is a freak or not, and get my band.  I did all the mental prep.  I'm ready.  I just had it all in my head a certain way.  Now, I have to shift gears.  What if the new doc's pre-op sucks?  What if his post-op sucks?  I like the protein I like.  I've done my research and don't want to change now.  Great attitude, huh?  Well, sue me.

I'll admit that I still have doubts about the band.  But I do know a few things.  I refuse to diet again.  There aren't any other options.  I won't do bypass and can't wrap my head around the sleeve.  So, what else is available?  Nothing, nada, zip.  I'm doing this whether S is along for the journey or not.  I have to do this for me.  I can't hold her hand forever.  She certainly seemed interested and ready.  I hope she still is.  This is my life.  I have to do what's right for me.  It would be much easier if she was on board.  Ugh.  This crap just wears me out.

back on the band wagon

8/29/2009 01:44:00 PM | 1 Comments

I'm going to be banded.  When, well who knows?  I'm looking forward to attending the seminar on Thurs.  Then I just want to move forward.  I'd been acting and feeling like the cancellation of my surgery was taking the band away from me.  Well, that's dumb.  It was just a roadblock.  I'm crossing my fingers that this doc is the one.  If I have bad feelings, I'm moving on.  I had actually looked at his info online before finding my first doc.  I also read good things about this one.  I just had email from the office giving directions to the seminar.  Of course there are tons of forms to fill out.  I hope I don't have to do pre-op stuff.  It would seem pointless since I just did it all on 8/3.  Blood work, maybe.  Stress test, no way.  I also liked the "package" this doc offers.  Fills and visits are included for life.  With the first doc, it was just a year.  I need to lose a lot and I think it'll take more than a year.  And this doc is $2000 cheaper too! 
Somehow, I don't think this is the right band :(

I Just Knew Something Would Go Wrong

8/28/2009 10:22:00 PM | 0 Comments

When I actually listed myself on the August '09 Bandsters on LBT and began telling people my surgery date, I knew there was going to be a problem.  I just had a bad feeling and now I know why.  I'm still planning to go forward and have surgery.  I'm attending a seminar next week and meeting a new surgeon.  I've looked at the VSG and it's just not for me.  I'm not ready to give up part of my body.  I am ready to do the work involved with the lap band.  I refuse to stay fat and miserable.  If I have complications, so be it.  I'll deal with them - when and if.
I just can't believe I'm this far back on the process again.  This sucks.  I had this so planned out.  I was really hoping for weight loss before the holidays.  Guess there's no law saying I can't drop a few pounds on my own.  But I really wanted to be further along by September.  WLS can't interfere with my jewelry business.  It'll be great to have something to focus on, but I can't take too much stress.  Guess I'll have to see when I may be able to have surgery.  I hope the new doc doesn't have a long waiting list.  Also hope I don't have to do all the pre-op testing again.  I sure don't want to repeat the stress test.  It was so fun the first time ;)

Surgery Date - But No Band For Me

8/28/2009 02:23:00 PM | 1 Comments

Oh, my.  The last few days have been well, weird, difficult, upsetting, depressing, enlightening.  Shall I go on?  I got a call Tuesday night that my surgery was being cancelled.  The short version of this story is that someone in the surgeon's office screwed up.  They submitted to my insurance company and shouldn't have.  They told me that if my doc accepted my money, he'd be breaking the law.  Well, that's not true.  I talked with Medicaid and there is no rule like that at all.  They thought it was ridiculous and suggested I call the Board of Healing Arts.  I will call them, no worries there.

Having the surgery cancelled was quite a blow.  I was so upset and so angry.  And so devastated.  This was the start of my new life.  But later, I realized that I was sort of relieved.  I was having bad feelings about the doctor and his staff from the beginning.  And I kept reading all the band horror stories on LBT.  There are so many.  I hadn't been feeling totally comfortable about the band.  The issues with it seem to be things that I think could easily happen to me.  It also seems that bands aren't made to last forever.  Being self-pay, I was worried about complications.  And what about fills after the first year?  That wasn't going to be covered.

I'm looking hard at VSG...vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  I've heard good things.  I've been lurking over at the sleeve forum.  I put a call in with a surgeon in San Francisco.  He's done more than 1000.  The cost seems to be just a bit more than the band would be here.  Of course, we'll have to travel.  S is okay with that.  I think the sleeve might be better for her too. 

I really think we should all stop and really listen when we're having doubts.  God thumps us on the head but we don't always listen.  I wanted this so badly that I just wasn't hearing.  But I don't think I could have gone through with banding.  This whole SNAFU is a blessing in disguise.  I'm asking for Divine inspiration here.  If the sleeve isn't the right way to go, I'm sure there will be some sign about that.  I just hope my desperation doesn't cause me to be deaf. 

Pre-Op Diet Day 3

8/24/2009 04:57:00 PM | 0 Comments

Oh, liquid diet, how I love thee.  Okay, I'm hungry but not starving.  Here's a little TMI.  Liquids in, liquids out.  My body is finally releasing the water that has been causing my sausage fingers.  It's about time.  Got on the scale this morning and was only down 7 pounds total.  That's from when I started this journey and saw the surgeon - July 14.  Urgh.  Guess more will make its way out of my body soon.  Oh, joy.

I did find some Crystal Light that I actually like.  Pink Lemonade.  Or, I'm so hungry that I've convinced myself that I like it.  Whatever.

It's still cool out.  Not summer weather at all.  Hope to get in the pool tomorrow.  I miss it :( lots.  Yesterday was great, especially with the cooler weather.  The party was nice.  Avoiding the food wasn't really bad.  It WAS hard when I got home though.  I fought through it.  I'm just getting used to my stomach growling.  I'm not at all familiar with that or I wouldn't need a lapband.  Oh, the thrills never end.  Gotta pee again.  BBL.

Pre-Op Diet Day 1

8/23/2009 12:38:00 AM | 0 Comments

Okey-dokey.  I'm almost finished with day 1 of liquids.  I had broth, water, protein shake, tea, couple of SF Popsicles and 2 SF Jell-O cups.  Oh boy.  It was really hard cooking all the food for the party without eating any.  I did taste the juices and stuff.  Tomorrow will be very tough.  I know I'll be hungry but I'm gonna stay busy.

I have really been questioning the whole lap band thing. I think this is normal though.  Right??  I have to lose weight.  I've exhausted all my other options.  This is going to work for me because I'm ready to do the work.  I have lots of concerns but don't anticipate any real issues.  If I start having too much "head hunger" I'll talk to the doctor or Nut and seek therapy.  This has to work.  Or I'll be forced to carve my excess fat off my body with a plastic spork.  Really.


I'm hungry.  Tummy is growling.  Lots.  I really like potato salad.  And crab rangoon dip.  But, I'm not having any tomorrow.  I can have that stuff somewhere down the road.  Truly, I'm not that worried about it.  I'm just hungry and not really used to that feeling.  Maybe that's an up side to the pre-op.  You really start learning what hungry truly feels like.  Growl, growl...

The Eve of the Pre-Op

8/22/2009 12:48:00 AM | 0 Comments


Well, here I am. Tomorrow morning I start the pre-op diet. Yikes. I gotta say that the party on Sunday is gonna be a real test. I keep telling myself that someday I will have cake again, and soda, and wine, and chocolate from a fountain, and fruit...okay, you get the idea. But I'm gonna do this! I'll stay busy taking pictures and stuff.

It was weird when I was in the grocery store. I saw stuff that sounded good but I didn't linger. I was totally focused on party goods and getting the soup and popsicles I need for pre-op. Shopping with Dad is always an experience. Poor guy, he nearly had heart failure at the total at the checkout. Then he helped load bags in the trunk. What a dad!

I had sort of a revelation while I was on the deck waiting for Woody. (Note: it's only about 65 degrees - weird) I have questioned my decision all night. Is the band the right thing to do? Or, will I end up with the sleeve eventually? Then I realized that I will not do bypass surgery and am not comfortable giving up a big portion of my stomach. So what's left? Let's hear it for The Band! God forbid it ever causes trouble I can have it removed and make a new plan. I'm in this for the long haul. I don't want to be fat any longer. Even though Dad said that I wasn't really fat, just heavy. It was sweet. I can do this, I will do this.

Gotta say it though - yuck for an all-liquid diet. I already know that I'll become very familiar with my bathroom. Urgh. Fingers crossed that I don't have an "issue" at the party. Oh man. That would be so awful. I hope the party goes well. I think it will. How am I gonna make German potato salad w/o tasting it? Or the beans? Okay, the beans will be okay either way but the tater salad has to be seasoned just right. And S and I don't agree on that usually. Guess she'll be a taste-tester anyway. Whatever.

Backing Away From LBT

8/20/2009 06:48:00 PM | 0 Comments

Think it might be time to stop visiting LBT until after surgery. I just can't take reading all the negative posts. I'm scared to death that something will happen to my band (if I get banded). So many posts on LBT are horror stories. Those folks are basically telling us that our bands WILL fail - it's just a matter of time. So we should be starting our Band Fucked Me Up/Save For The Sleeve Fund. According to one "expert" if you wait too long if you're having problems, you're just prolonging the agony and doing more damage.


This is just not the kind of stuff I want to hear one week from surgery. I'm scared enough. I don't think I'm playing ostrich but maybe I am. I think I'm gonna just have a peek at the sleeve boards and see what's what.
And I have a headache. Crap.

I'm Up Sorta Early For Once

8/19/2009 09:46:00 AM | 0 Comments





Hello world. I actually have been up since about 8 am. That's progress. Busy day ahead. I need to go to the store. Then arrange to get pool covered this afternoon. Tree people coming tomorrow - unless it rains today :(

While I was lying in bed this am before I got up, my tummy was actually rumbly and growly. I wasn't really hungry before I went to bed. I'm really trying to get into the right mind-set here. Drinking the protein shakes and eating a meal at lunch is kinda hard. But I made a commitment to DS. I'm not going to have a large evening meal while she's sipping away on yet another shake. Funny, I doubt she'd be doing this for me. Oh well. It's really only bad when I'm hungry and then I think hmmm, I don't have to be doing this diet thing yet. Next week on clears will be quite a test but I guess all of this is preparing me too.

I'm wondering if I'll get any pool time today. Rain in forecast. Sky is sorta sunny/sorta cloudy. But it's those bluish-gray clouds. Don't look good, folks!

Did I mention that I really hate grocery shopping? I does...lots. But I don't have a lot to buy. Except for the party stuff. I sure got screwed there. DB and wife are doing brats and burgers, paper goods, condiments, cake, and providing the house. I'm on everything else. Hmmmm, how did that happen? At least I get to control what the side dishes are and I can make stuff I don't even like ;) I can even pass on the cake. It's the fruit for the fountain. I am soooo hungry for fruit, hence the trip to the store.

I'm sitting here with the check to mail to the surgeon for my surgery. Wow. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Kinda excited. And I'm just really ready to get moving on this. I've been patient since the seminar back in July. I don't want to wish away time, but I wish the big day was here already. I want it over with. Questions answered, knowing whether or not I'll be in pain, whether or not I survived the barium swallow.... But, it's only Weds. 8/19. Still a week to go.

In a Better Place Today

8/18/2009 03:19:00 PM | 0 Comments







I'm feeling better today although I still didn't get up early. I cooked some chicken breast and had that for lunch. Hung up clothes and threw more in. I'm trying to get in order for next week but I'm struggling. I didn't get in the pool. I'm feeling sort of guilty about that. At one point I did put my suit on. Then I looked outside at all the clouds. Took suit off. Later, hit with tummy problems so maybe it was just as well.

I found some great stuff on LBT today. Read some NSVs...those really make me wish I was further along but I know it'll come someday. I'm still losing weight even though my pre-op doesn't start until Sat. I'm a bit worried about the b'day party. I like cake! And the chocolate fountain will be hard to pass up. I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. I think I'll be okay though. I really don't want to have a fat liver!!
I also have looked at the paperwork from the surgeon's office and what I got from the nutritionist at the hospital. The main difference is with the protein drinks and skim milk. Dr. says skim milk is fine on clears. Nut says no. I think I trust my doc more. This was the hospital nut, not the one from the weight loss program. I'm sure I'll find out more on 8/27...the big day. I actually think I'm getting excited. The party is helping take my mind off the surgery part. I'm still a bit nervous but since I've had back surgery, I know what to expect.

Holy crap though! There was a thread on LBT about "going commando" into the OR. Well, that didn't surprise me...been there...done that. What did surprise me was that my legs will be up and the surgeon will be standing between them. Excuse me? It was a great thread though :) - very funny and kind of took the edge off. Some of the women were quite taken aback. I guess you just have to read the thread and meet "Jim Bob and the Twins"...then you'll get it :)

Well, it's totally cloudy outside now. I could get on the treadmill but I think I'm just gonna give myself a break today. I really need to finish the laundry. I'm out of everything! Maybe the laundry fairy will show up. Ya never know.

I've been reading lots of blogs from fellow bandsters. They are really interesting and inspirational. I like hearing about their adventures, good and bad. I can relate to what they're talking about and see that they too have struggled. It seems like a great support tool, too. That's what I get from LBT. Support, encouragement, friends, and a sense of what others are doing, feeling, eating...how they're living with their bands. I'm glad I found that forum!

Just Not a Good Day

8/17/2009 10:52:00 PM | 0 Comments

Well, today has been a frustrating day. I planned to get up early or earlier. Didn't happen. I didn't sleep well because my back was hurting. So I didn't want to get up. I didn't get much done today. I threw in a load of laundry. Raked the floor. Laundry's still in the washer. Did get in the pool but not long enough. Stupid rain! My back is hurting still.

I have to get my shit together. I have to get this house cleaned up and laundry done, etc. so I can "relax" before the surgery. Yeah, sure, relax. I want the house in order for my recovery. I'm not expecting it to be bad or anything but you never know. It could stir up the back problems or the fibro. Crap.

I feel unsettled. I'm okay with my decision on the band but I'm starting to think about the finality of it. Boy, it's final. I need to mail the check to pay for it tomorrow. Eeek. I wish I could see into the future and know this is the right thing for me. I guess I'm hoping for some big sign. Maybe my "flash" at the seminar was it. Shit, I don't know. I'm not even up for typing this.

Late Sunday/Early Monday

8/17/2009 01:15:00 AM | 0 Comments

Okay, here I am again. I've spent nearly the whole day reading on LBT. I thought I was having doubts and nearly typed that. I just backspaced that away. Oh, if life were only that easy! I'm not doubting my decision to go for the lap band. While I don't want to think of it this way, the sleeve option is still there if I ever have my band removed or have problems. That's not the best attitude I guess, but there you go. I feel almost bullied on LBT about the sleeve. I'm just not ready to have part of my stomach chopped out and thrown away.
I just told Sue that when we went to our LB seminar, I had a flash of myself walking to the front of the room and telling my story. I figured it would be about a year or so away. I detest public speaking and drawing attention to myself so how weird is that? But, I did have the flash. There I was, thin, healthy, happy, and looking damned good.
Maybe it is a sign. Maybe it's not. But I'm going forward. I want a new life. I see Sue's struggles and it just makes me sad and angry. I really needed her help with the pool and she was barely able to stand there. I was the one who got in the pool fully clothed, found the hoses, found the plug. She sat on the deck until I finally said that I really, really needed another pair of hands. Do I blame her? Yeah, sometimes. Which really puts me in a bad spot. How can you be angry with someone who is paying for your surgery and offering you a chance at a new life? Sometimes I think of it as payback for all that I have had to do these past few years. It's been rugged. I'm totally worn out. I am the care-taker for the family and sometimes I need some care too. I'm spent, drained, and don't have much left. I'm trying though.

I'm getting up earlier tomorrow. I have laundry, kitchen cleaning, cooking and getting ready for the party and my surgery. Great, plenty of stress. Oh well. I'll get thru, I always do.

Nope, Not Telling

8/16/2009 03:20:00 PM | 0 Comments

I'm not telling anyone about the surgery. I just don't think it's anyone's business. This is a very personal thing for me. I also don't need any negativity. And I'm sorta embarrassed to have reached this point. I keep telling myself that it's not giving in but it still feels that way. I even told a poster on LBT that it's not our fault, it's not defeat, but it feels that way. The medical world finally calling obesity a disease is good. They finally get it. But maybe I don't. Oh, this is a struggle. As my surgery looms I'm just freaking out. I'm worried about getting in enough pool time. Sitting here right now, it's pouring and thundering. No pool today.

I'm Confused, As Usual

8/16/2009 03:16:00 PM | 0 Comments

Okay. I'm a smart girl. I should be able to figure this out, but.... When I saw my surgeon, he gave me some paperwork about pre-op and post-op stuff. We also discussed protein shakes. I told him I'd been trying them out. He said Isopure powder (vanilla) was fine.

I saw the nutritionist (during pre-op) and she gave me basically the same sheet as the doctor had. She said to do only clear protein drinks in the clear phase. She suggested that God-awful Isopure fruit crap. OMG, no way. She said that if I was doing protein shakes from powder, it was the same as eating dairy. And diary is for after 7 days out. But her sheet also says on the liquid phase you can have anything you blend as long as it's not bumpy, lumpy or chunky. So, I can puree lasagna during my liquids phase?? Somehow, I don't think so.

I'll check this further this week. I'm calling a different nutritionist tomorrow.

The Journey Has Begun

8/16/2009 02:19:00 PM | 0 Comments

I'm having lap band surgery on August 27, 2009. I'm scared. I haven't reached this decision lightly though. I've read and read and read. I've combed the forum on LapBandTalk.com. I've read the success stories and the horror stories.

I deserve a better life. Right now, I'm just existing. I go nowhere, do nothing, have no friends, no social life. And I'm fat. I'm tired of being fat.